So, it’s been awhile…
Lately, I haven’t posted on my blog or even updated my Facebook status much. In fact, I’ve spent time slowly slinking back into my shell. It isn’t so much about fear or lack of confidence. Or maybe it is. I don’t really know.
I used to take my thoughts and ideas and plaster them on any page. Why do I put them online? I think it is the feeling that something I say or think might be read by someone else and a connection might be made…however small, however temporary…but it might be meaningful. And it may just be another outlet for my selfishness and neediness.
I have people tell me all the time, “If you put anything on Facebook (or online), it shouldn’t be personal and it shouldn’t be negative.” People don’t want to hear or read those things. Or people will judge you or view you differently. But I know that the people who tell me not to do that mean well…they’re considering that I’m single and that girls don’t find a “sad sack” attractive. And who could blame them?
But, sometimes, you just need to burst forth with a comment like…
“Why is life so hard?”
“Why can’t a guy get a break?”
“What is it that is so wrong with me?”
Okay, so that list could go on and on and on forever. I find that I long to ask the questions that people don’t want to ever admit cross their mind. It is easier to not think about it. It is easier to be a vegetable. Watch some television, play with your smartphone, mindlessly shop, and let yourself relax to where your eyes aren’t even really focusing on anything anymore.
Somebody might read this and think, “What does this guy want? What’s his deal? What’s his point?”
In response, I would say, “I don’t know…I really just don’t know.” And that is one of the things that frightens me the most.
Sometimes, the feeling of just floating through the world on a quest to nowhere is overwhelming. The emptiness. The loneliness. The feeling of being utterly alone in a crowded room. I’ve felt it over and over and over again.
One might wonder, “Don’t you have any faith?”
And my response would be, “Yes. I do have faith. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I am a Christian. But my faith is weak and my flesh is weak.” I don’t doubt God nearly as much as I doubt myself over and over again.
I really don’t like be pessimistic. Negativity, I think, is killing me. Destroying me and everything around me. But I think I was around it so much all of my life that it has become part of who I am. And it really is second nature. And one of the things that is so difficult to do is to change…to really change. Besides, who has time for that? Right?!
All I can do is pray for change and try to make small changes in my own life. I need to exercise. I need to pray more often. I need to do so many things…