Thinking Out Loud

So, life has changed a lot for me since my last blog post.  Where do I begin?  First of all, I’m still in living in western Kentucky.  This past summer of 2015 I met a wonderful girl named Amy who has totally changed my life.  It is pretty amazing.  I’ve been working an IT job in Paducah, KY for about 6 years now.  My coworkers and I have a tendency to go out and eat for lunch on occasion.  One of the places we went to eat frequently was called Pizza Inn.  And that’s where I met her…

I remember the first time that I saw Amy.  She was gorgeous.  She had the most beautiful black hair.  It was short.  She was tan.  And she had the most lovely brown eyes and the world’s most amazing smile.  I remember the first time she smiled at me.  I am a pretty shy guy, so I can imagine I blushed a little bit and probably didn’t know much to say other than, “Hi…”  I remember I fell in love with her almost instantly.  I always watched her whenever I came into Pizza Inn.  And I always wondered, “Would a girl like her ever give a guy like me a chance?”

Well, as it turns out, she had been watching me as well.  I didn’t know it, but I had somehow made an impression on Amy with my niceness or my smile or something.  I really will never understand what she sees in me.  I’m nobody special.  I’m pretty average.  I’ve got my share of baggage.  I worry.  I’m fearful.  I’m indecisive.  I’m extremely human.  But for whatever reason, she liked me.  Hurray!

So, one day I went into Pizza Inn for lunch by myself.  My coworkers were both out on vacation.  So, it was just me.  And I sat in the front section and just happened to have Amy as my waitress.  Lucky me!  I remember she waited on me and talked to me a little more than usual that day.  It made a big impression on me.  I was so happy.  I remember looking at my ticket which happened to have my beautiful waitress’s name on it.  Amy.

Well, the next time I was in Pizza Inn with my coworkers, I sat in a different section.  But they were really busy that day and Amy just happened to come by our table to help fill drinks.  I didn’t know it at the time, but she did that on purpose.  I also ran into Amy at the buffet that day as I was grabbing a plate and she stopped and talked to me.  She caught me off guard and I was almost speechless.  Remember – I was really shy!  So, I was like, “Oh, hey…yeah…nice seeing you…”  Basically, I was stumbling all over my words.

After that day at Pizza Inn, I decided to do something.  I looked up Amy and Pizza Inn and I ended up finding this girl on Facebook.  Yes, I know.  I’m basically a middle-schooler in my approach to find out more about this woman.  But I didn’t care.  I had to do something.  So, I added her as a friend on Facebook and decided to wait and see if she responded.

Well, Amy told me she got the friend request and was instantly excited.  She added me as a Facebook friend and we began messaging that evening.  I was floored!  I couldn’t believe this girl who I’ve admired for so long was talking to me!  But she was.  So, we began by chatting on there.  Next thing I know, we end up going on a date.

We met in Noble Park for our first date.  I was so nervous.  I was probably sweating like a mad man.  She looked so beautiful on that first date.  We talked and we walked.  I felt like I was floating on a cloud.  And before the night was over, we kissed.  My first kiss with Amy was under the big gazebo in the middle of the pond in Noble Park.  It was magical.  It was perfect.  It felt like fate.

Now I’m with Amy and I couldn’t be happier.  Every day I get to see her beautiful smile.  Every night I get to fall asleep next to her.  And I know that from today until forever, we will be together.  We plan on marrying on October 09, 2015, in Noble Park under the same gazebo where we kissed for the first time.

I’ll finish this by adding that Amy is a wonderful woman.  She’s a Christian.  We have been adjusting…letting our children adjust to each other…and I believe we’re going to build a beautiful, God-loving family together.  I pray every day that we’ll always be together.  And I have faith that we will.


So Much To Say…[But Never Enough Time]

So, it’s been awhile…

Lately, I haven’t posted on my blog or even updated my Facebook status much.  In fact, I’ve spent time slowly slinking back into my shell.  It isn’t so much about fear or  lack of confidence.  Or maybe it is.  I don’t really know.


I used to take my thoughts and ideas and plaster them on any page.  Why do I put them online?  I think it is the feeling that something I say or think might be read by someone else and a connection might be made…however small, however temporary…but it might be meaningful.  And it may just be another outlet for my selfishness and neediness.

I have people tell me all the time, “If you put anything on Facebook (or online), it shouldn’t be personal and it shouldn’t be negative.”  People don’t want to hear or read those things.  Or people will judge you or view you differently.  But I know that the people who tell me not to do that mean well…they’re considering that I’m single and that girls don’t find a “sad sack” attractive.  And who could blame them?


But, sometimes, you just need to burst forth with a comment like…

“Why is life so hard?”

“Why can’t a guy get a break?”

“What is it that is so wrong with me?”

Okay, so that list could go on and on and on forever.  I find that I long to ask the questions that people don’t want to ever admit cross their mind.  It is easier to not think about it.  It is easier to be a vegetable.  Watch some television, play with your smartphone, mindlessly shop, and let yourself relax to where your eyes aren’t even really focusing on anything anymore.


Somebody might read this and think, “What does this guy want?  What’s his deal?  What’s his point?”


In response, I would say, “I don’t know…I really just don’t know.”  And that is one of the things that frightens me the most.

Sometimes, the feeling of just floating through the world on a quest to nowhere is overwhelming.  The emptiness.  The loneliness.  The feeling of being utterly alone in a crowded room.  I’ve felt it over and over and over again.

One might wonder, “Don’t you have any faith?”


And my response would be, “Yes.  I do have faith.  I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I am a Christian.  But my faith is weak and my flesh is weak.”  I don’t doubt God nearly as much as I doubt myself over and over again.

I really don’t like be pessimistic.  Negativity, I think, is killing me.  Destroying me and everything around me.  But I think I was around it so much all of my life that it has become part of who I am.  And it really is second nature.  And one of the things that is so difficult to do is to change…to really change.  Besides, who has time for that?  Right?!

All I can do is pray for change and try to make small changes in my own life.  I need to exercise.  I need to pray more often.  I need to do so many things…




So, this weekend they’re having the annual Superman Celebration in Metropolis, IL and I’m thinking of taking my son, Aiden. Also, they’re having an art contest. So, I decided to try to come up with an entry. Despite my obvious lack of skillz, I did come up with this funny little pic…so, enjoy…Fatman!!!


Reach For The Sky[rim]

As a single father, I don’t go and purchase a video game when it first comes out.  As depicted in the webcomic PVP (http://www.pvponline.com), I’m an adult living on gamer savings time.  I purchase a lot of used games and I purchase a lot of games after they’ve become greatest hits.  But this year, I had my heart set on one game that I had to buy on release day:  The Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim.  After playing many of Bethesda’s other games – The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, Fallout 3, Fallout: New Vegas – I knew that this game was going to be something special.  And I’m happy to say that Skyrim not only lives up to its expectations, but it exceeds them.  (Note that this review may contain a few spoilers!)

It is hard to know where to start in a review of this game because it is so exciting, fresh, new, and huge.  The game world is awesomely huge and interactive.  From starting out in a cart on your way to your execution to being “saved” by a dragon attack on the town to taking off and exploring the world on your own, Skyrim offers so much.  I immediately felt immersed in the game.  It is clear that Bethesda put so much into every detail of the world.  You walk by a beautiful stream where water is rushing along and you’re amazed to notice salmon swimming upstream.  The mountains and nature in this game are breathtaking.  It is like taking a vacation to some wonderful place like New Zealand where the Lord of the Rings was shot without ever leaving your home.

I was surprised and tickled pink whenever a wolf howled when it came nearby.  My avatar looked at the wolf as it sat there growling at me.  Finally, it decided to attack.  I fought the creature off and claimed its pelt as a reward.  Later, I came upon an encampment of bandits in the woods.  One cool aspect of this game is that they did not immediately attack me.  When I got within a certain distance of them, they raised their weapons and warned me not to come closer.  When I came closer, they charged towards me only to meet their end on the point of my sword.  After poking around like this for a while, I decided it was time to get serious and move on to the first village in the storyline.  This village was not as big as some you’ll see later in the game, but it was still nice.

One impressive and fun aspect of this game is the crafting system.  You actually find all of the things you’d need to craft out in nature in this game (for the most part).  You can cook meat and other foods you find exploring.  You can mix ingredients to form potions as an alchemist.  You can use soul gems to enchant weapons and armor.  You can make and improve your armor and weapons by tanning hides to make leather, smelting ore you find exploring, and forging materials into new items.  You can even chop firewood for some honest money if so inclined.  I found myself spending tons of time just doing these things within the game as they are interesting, fun, and challenging.

People and creatures in this game are breathtaking as well.  Of course, the show stealers are the dragons.  Fighting your first dragon is definitely a rush.  I made the fatal mistake of going up to a dragon’s face and trying to attack it with my sword when fighting my first dragon.  He clutched me in his mighty jaws and flung me far away to my demise.  This was definitely a lesson learned.  And dying wasn’t even that disappointing.  Learning that the dragon could do that was really cool.

I could probably go on and on about this game until your eyeballs were ready to bleed from reading so much, so I’ll go ahead and cut this short.  In closing, I would recommend this game to anybody.  It is absolutely beautiful and completely open-ended.  You can go into the game at any time and go do anything you desire.  The leveling system is great and you have a lot of control over your perks as you level different skills within the game.  If you’ve played Oblivion and/or Fallout 3/New Vegas, then I suggest playing this game as well.  It is like taking Oblivion, making it stunningly beautiful, changing a few things to keep it interesting, and improving upon everything.  If Oblivion was the girl you had a crush on in high school, then Skyrim is the same girl when you see her at the reunion ten years later and she is twice as hot, totally single, and has eyes only for you.  So, if you haven’t bought Skyrim, take it from a single dad living on a meager income who never buys games on release dates…go ahead and get it.  It is so worth it.  Every penny.  (Not to mention that I totally lucked out and caught an awesome sale at Toys R’ Us.  They were having a sale this past Friday (11/11/2011) where you got a free $20 Toys R’ Us gift card when you purchased Skyrim.  So, that was awesome!)


Be Still My [Foolish] Heart

So, inspiration stuck.  And I drew for the first time in a long time and wrote a poem.  You see, I’ve met a pretty rocking girl.  I don’t think she’s into me the way I’m into her…I’m not sure.  But she has a lot in common with me and is totally sweet.  So, yeah…who knows what is going to happen?  I’m not getting my hopes up because I’m sick of getting hurt.  So, there it is.  Enjoy.


When [Broken Hearts] Prevail…

Fair warning, people…this post is probably going to be a little emo and sad.  :'(  So, have your tissues ready!

Yep...I'm probably going to die alone.

So, where to begin…in writing, it is always so hard to find a good beginning.  I guess this beginning could “begin with an ending” in a sense.  You see, sometime this month my ex and I will be filling out and signing our divorce papers.  Yep.  We’re taking our obvious failure of a marriage and slamming the “FAIL” rubber stamp on it officially.  So, that is going to be tough.  I still hurt a lot and get upset a lot when I think about it.

In other news, I’ve been looking at dating on some of the dating websites out there and I’ve got to say that it is pretty depressing.  I thought I took my time and set up a pretty good profile.  My pictures were the best I had of myself.  I’m really trying, right?  So, why is it that I’ve only had a handful of girls contact me?  I’ve had dates with two girls who were nice and who I’d like to get to know more, but after one date with me they haven’t been too eager.  :(  Yep.  Evidently, I suck at life.  I just don’t understand what is so wrong with me.  I’m polite.  I bring flowers.  I pay.  I make conversation.  I make sure I smell good.  Yeah, I can be a tad shy and I’m not a fricking male model with a perfect body…but I always thought girls were supposed to be able to see beyond that.

Maybe people can look at me and see that I’m practically dead inside or something?  *sigh*  I mean, I work full-time as a computer technician.  I take care of my home, my child, my dog, and myself.  No, I don’t get out a lot because I’ve got a lot of responsibility.  I chose to make my son the top priority in my life when my marriage failed.  I thought that women admired a man stepping up like that.  I know I am a good person and not just a total jerk or dud.  My coworkers like me.  Yeah, my light has faded a bit and I’ve been hurt really bad by two women.  But I’m doing my best…I really am trying.  Maybe I’m trying too hard?  Maybe I’m sad, lonely, and I reek of desperation?  I don’t know.  I don’t get it.

Is it time for the self-proclaimed "chick magnet" to throw in the towel and admit defeat?

Is it so bad to just not want to be alone and to want to find somebody like me out there?  Do girls just see my mug and think, “My God, how dare that ugly oaf even send me a message?”  All in all, it is more than a little depressing.  But I will continue on and try to believe that there must be somebody out there who is perfect for me…any advice on dating and life would be appreciated, though.  Ciao.


Time [Heals All Wounds?]

So, I don’t even really know where to begin.  Life as I know it is completely changed, now.  It has been forever since I’ve posted on this website.  I still draw, although my skills haven’t greatly improved.  In the time since I’ve posted last, my wife has cheated on  me and moved out of my house.  I grieved for a long time.  I even begged her to come back, offering to forgive and forget any and all transgressions, just so we could be together again and save our family.  But it was never enough.  It is amazing to me how a person can go from loving you completely (or so they say) to completely betraying your heart, your trust, and choosing a completely selfish path just because they’ve got an itch they can’t scratch.  Anyways, so here I am.  I live here alone with my son and my pug.  I work.  I cook.  I clean.  I exist.

I’m trying to turn over a new leaf in some instances.  After moving on and realizing that what we had will never be reconciled – it is dead – I came to the conclusion that if I am ever to have any type of future in romance, love, or any of those sweet, sweet fantasies (to quote Mariah Carey), then I need to change my image.  I do regret to say that as many people do, I let myself go while married.  But between juggling work, school, a toddler, and an emotionally upset wife who has the time to work out and focus on their image.  I was doing well to make it through the day in some instances.  But now I’ve decided to make some positive changes.  I’m currently trying to cut out soda as it is simply empty calories, extremely unhealthy, and probably the main thing keeping me with a keg around my middle as opposed to a six-pack.  I’ve began lifting weights again to build back some muscles because, as we all know, the ladies like the guns.  :)  I’m drinking water in place of soda.  I haven’t begun doing cardiovascular activities other than the ones I already pursue such as chasing my child around in games.  I know I need to, but it is so hard to get motivated and I get winded so fast that it is embarrassing.  But I am working on myself.  Sad to say, but I guess I’ve realized we live in such a shallow world that no woman is simply going to fall for me for my charming personality alone…no, women today want the whole package.  Charms and good looks.

So, I had an outing with a young lady recently and I’m over thinking like I always do.  We really clicked – or so I thought – but it seems like I’m the only one who pursues conversation and communication.  Is that because it is supposed to be that way?  I don’t know.  In a way, I’m just ready to give up.  Twice I’ve given all I had – and I don’t mean material possessions – to a woman and twice I’ve had it all blow up in my face and kill me emotionally.  So, according to my odds, even if a relationship starts out great and seemingly successful, it would seems that in the end it is doomed to failure.  I just get discouraged so easily.  I don’t know what to do.

Well, I suppose this is all I’ve got for now.  I just needed to get this out of my system.  I know putting these thoughts, feelings, and words out on the Internet is insane and open to anybody who wants to read it, but it just feels good to know someone might read it and understand.

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